I was so excited to be back at school, excited to be back with friends and interact with them, talk with them and enjoy my time in the dorm.
I was so excited to attend a dorm party tonight, to chill with friends and get to know first years more, to just hang out and have a good time.
So far, on both counts, I've been disappointed.
And it's not so much the experience itself that has let me down or the people that make those experiences. There's nothing inherently making either of those anything other than just what they are.
What I think happened is I expected too much. Rather than just going in relaxed and letting things be whatever they will, I expected something and, predictably, those expectations were disappointed.
Expectations color your vision, they make you more resistant to change, more resistant to things being other than what you envisioned, and envisioning being entirely comfortable, thoroughly enjoying myself this past week really got in the way of actually enjoying just whatever came my way.
I wouldn't say that this is a negative thing. At the very least I've realized that I need to just relax and let things be.
It's also really helped me realize that I'm distracted. Life has gotten in the way of living and I need to get back to my personal values and personal practice. I should be a Buddhist first and foremost, not in addition to a student or a friend or any other part of my existence. My faith should qualify my experiences rather than the other way around, and I fear that the past couple years this hasn't been the case.
It's time I put what I believe into practice. I need to stop just reading and start also doing.
I guess it's a fortunate thing that I've been disappointed and felt isolated and lonely lately. It's reminded me what's actually important to my life rather than what I've allowed to distract me.
Hopefully this new-found conviction continues further than the next few days.
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